During my meditation today and after reading a book, True Love, by Thich Nhat Hanh I became aware of something. In the grief and conditioning I experienced by a very scary cult, I realized that my grief is strongly tied to a desperation to protect and let my children know I love them so much I would simply die to have them not suffer. I know this sounds extreme but this group told me they would kill them, make me a paraplegic, electrocute me and give me cancer among many other really sick things. I have been deprived of sleep, had psychic driving day in and day out but in all of it, I realize I was not showing any love.
I know my stuff is dark but it simply is what happened. But through Ram Dass, through working on this, I am seeing despite this abuse, I always have the ability to show love and was always trying to say my grief was proof. That may not have been a choice but now it is.
So instead of using my grief as proof of love I can use my love to ease my grief. I am not trying to simplify the complexity of the abuse but rather I can transform it. One if my goals is to improve my listening and to choose small presents or acts that show love rather than just freezing in the fear.