Hi, looking for compassionate aid. I’ve listened to a lot of Raghu Markus’ Ram Dass podcasts and really connected to his style and calm. I recently had a chain of events that led me to understand who I am beyond my human character, and have had a hell of a time integrating that knowledge to the point where at times i’ve been quite paralyzed. Part of this is that I can’t find a therapist who understands the experience or can place it within the bounds of normality, and while they can be somewhat helpful, they always bring it back to tradition ego based CBT etc. I’m not crazy at all, I’m 40 and have only ever been diagnosed with anxiety. However, this awakening has been tough. I think for some people it might be easy, but for me it’s been quite hard. The main things I keep getting stuck on are the following: If the whole point of awakening is to recognize the veil of the ego character and separation, and realize that you’re the One playing your human character, then a) aren’t you just moving from being one human who is alone in their mind but able to connect with others and instead becoming a being that is wholly and totally alone in the universe? I can’t imagine wanting to be such a being after all the karmic rebirths. The second thing is that the weight of all the horrible things and events that “the big I” is unfathomable and so deeply depressing that i wonder why I as god am not pretty psychopathic. I understand you need to know pain to know bliss, fear to know love etc, but does it really have to exist to the extremes that it happens? The last thing I’m really stuck on is this idea of “non-doership” which also just seems like a hellish perspective to inhabit, where I as an ego am not doing anything, and I as god am not doing anything, and is basically just helpless on both fronts to the unraveling of what is me. These things have me at the point of feeling like I don’t want to continue sometimes, but i know there’s no escape which is even worse. I’d really appreciate it if someone could answer these concerns, I want to feel that I’m getting it wrong, but intellectually i don’t see another option. Please help? Or point me in the direction of someone wise who I can talk to? thank you so much. My email is cruizberman@gmail.com if anyone can lend a hand in understanding.
Have you tryed listening to thé Alan Watts Being in the way podcasts? They’re available on the be here now network (YouTube). I recognize a lot of your struggles and i think that Alan Watts might be that wise man you’re looking for.
I hope this proves to be helpfull for you.
Kind regards,
Roderik Woltjer
I have, he’s quite clever but ultimately doesn’t help me much. i just feel like everyone and everything ive ever loved is an empty dream form.
Hi Katrina, I’m in the same boat. If you’d ever want to talk let me know. I could definitely use the support. thanks and much love!
First of all, if we were fully enlightened, have no sense perceptions and so on. We would’nt know we were here, so as long as we are alive that’s not going to happen. Second of all this is not something we can understand intellectualy, so we’ll get very confused if we insist on doing that.
I like to see it as a gift, the ultimate dream.
What works very well for me is as Alan Watts says: just watch it of let it happen. Don’t label anything it’s all a trap. Meditate and get in touch with your deeper intuïtion and trust it fully.
Ram Dass talked about all of us having met thousands of times before and i strongly believe that is truth. Isn’t that awesome that you get to meet everyone you’ve ever known over and over and that everytime you do you have An opportunity to do better? We might have been sworn enemies in the past and now we meet here.
Think about that, isn’t that something to totally dig?
Hé Katrina, I’m from Groningen the Netherlands which is not necessarily very conservative but nevertheless very yangy, so I can relate to that.
I’m also not in position to go to any retreats or meetings of any sort. If you’d ever like to compare notes on the journey, feel free to send me a message.
Kind regards, Roderik
Community. I have always wondered if it is needed (for me) to have a tight-knit community. It depends what the definition of community is I suppose. The growth path for me is more about exchanges I have in every day life. And some of those can be very intense and philosophical. However I don’t want to be in that ‘modus’ to long. That would suffocate the potential of interactions, at least for me. What I do feel is very good about joining groups and having interactions with people that are gathered around a specific topic is that you do not always have barriers to overcome where ‘difficult’ topics are concerned. But like I said, most of the learning for me is in the daily interactions and the awareness that you have right there and then. I am always almost up for an exchange about many topics but I do not crave to constantly be in the spiritual soup. Hope my rambling makes a bit of sense here. And there is another thing, I am a bit of a stoic by nature.
@Sarah_Shapiro thanks for sharing info about Neem Karoli Baba ashram in Neu-Ulm. I’m in Germany and was not yet aware of this. Great to hear about it!